Restoration Hardware’s 17-Pound Mailing Goes Back Where it Belongs


Back to Restoration Hardware they go:

Seventeen pounds in 13 double-plastic-wrapped books
Bound and shipped and trucked around the globe
Doorstops, dropped as if by drones on unsuspecting doorsteps
Each the weight of a small child, the pages of former forests
Such waste, under the ruse of “carbon neutrality”


And inside?

Oppressive and interminable grey, black, beige, brown
Andalusian cabinets fit for a dungeon
Bleak monastic tables in stark basement chic
Busts and urns, columns and finials for the delusional home museum
Fake archeological treasures and kills from the consumerist hunt


Oversized chandeliers, bar carts and mirrors (the better to view one’s fabulousness)
Seating for giants, cribs for royal Goth babies
The nightmare realm of grim fairy tales


Cloches and anvils; looking glasses, vices and maritime lights
Corbels, casements, cornices and plinths
Reproduction “treasures” from diminishing coral reefs
Curiosities for the uncurious


Reliving the coup? Recline on a Napoleonic tufted couch or deconstructed Napoleonic chair, feet resting on an antiqued Napoleonic ottoman, while gazing upon your Napoleonic bust
Is it leather you seek? They’ve Brompton, Berkshire, Burnham; Antiqued, Distressed, Destroyed
The salvaged, “vintage”, weathered, replicated
Instant heirloom, purchased pedigree


Steamer trunks from the Titanic (first class)
British surveyor’s tripods for nostalgic Colonials
Maps to chart 18th century world domination
Scales of justice (no comment)

CO14SPR_180_media copy

Wish fulfillment for the one percent
Driven home in the form of 13 monotonous and tiresome books
I don’t want your paeans to unimaginative excess


Photos: Susan Sachs Lipman, Restoration Hardware



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2 responses to “Restoration Hardware’s 17-Pound Mailing Goes Back Where it Belongs

  1. Devilishly creative!