Restoration Hardware’s 17-Pound Mailing Goes Back Where it Belongs

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Back to Restoration Hardware they go:

Seventeen pounds in 13 double-plastic-wrapped books
Bound and shipped and trucked around the globe
Doorstops, dropped as if by drones on unsuspecting doorsteps
Each the weight of a small child, the pages of former forests
Such waste, under the ruse of “carbon neutrality”

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And inside?

Oppressive and interminable grey, black, beige, brown
Andalusian cabinets fit for a dungeon
Bleak monastic tables in stark basement chic
Busts and urns, columns and finials for the delusional home museum
Fake archeological treasures and kills from the consumerist hunt

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Oversized chandeliers, bar carts and mirrors (the better to view one’s fabulousness)
Seating for giants, cribs for royal Goth babies
The nightmare realm of grim fairy tales

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Cloches and anvils; looking glasses, vices and maritime lights
Corbels, casements, cornices and plinths
Reproduction “treasures” from diminishing coral reefs
Curiosities for the uncurious

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Reliving the coup? Recline on a Napoleonic tufted couch or deconstructed Napoleonic chair, feet resting on an antiqued Napoleonic ottoman, while gazing upon your Napoleonic bust
Is it leather you seek? They’ve Brompton, Berkshire, Burnham; Antiqued, Distressed, Destroyed
The salvaged, “vintage”, weathered, replicated
Instant heirloom, purchased pedigree

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Steamer trunks from the Titanic (first class)
British surveyor’s tripods for nostalgic Colonials
Maps to chart 18th century world domination
Scales of justice (no comment)

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Wish fulfillment for the one percent
Driven home in the form of 13 monotonous and tiresome books
I don’t want your paeans to unimaginative excess

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Photos: Susan Sachs Lipman, Restoration Hardware

 

 

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One Response to Restoration Hardware’s 17-Pound Mailing Goes Back Where it Belongs

  1. Devilishly creative!

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